So here I am looking at everyday as a means to have a better future, one with meaning and worth. I know I have worth its just that some days when my health is on the downside, things don’t seem as rosy and bright. I’ve been at a crossroad lately where I’m struggling with the person I use to be. The one I was striving to become in an industry I know I was meant to be in. I still have so much Passion inside my HEART and head that wants to just get out. . I now suffer in silence!
I struggle because I can’t just go out and get what I want like I could have in the past. Being afflicted with my “issue” as I like to call it one day I can be fine and the next NOT! I have a HUGE wish and hope that I will one day before I die get to volunteer/intern with someone in the preparations of NYFW. I know if I was never stricken with this “issue” that I would have in some way shape or form gotten to experience that. I was always told I had a gentle but cautious spirit, not gullible and I had a great head on my shoulders. These character traits helped me deal with the people you encounter in such a Competitive Industry. It got me to the places I wanted to go, be who I wanted to be and help me make it through difficult situations less scathed. I’m trusting but not Stupid! Fashion was and always will be my passion in life. I didn’t want to be a top model I was content with where my life was at that moment. I enjoyed the traveling, the people I met and the creations I got to wear designed by very talented people. I loved doing work in the showrooms and shows because I got to interact with others. I have always had a creative side and a Great knack with people. I’ve always been very outgoing with a personable personality when modeling Designers/Companies would ask if I wanted to rep their lines. I took that as a great compliment. I love People and the stories behind what make them tick, where they’ve been, how they got there, their culture, beliefs, their struggles and triumphs, what drives them, the good with the bad. I felt very fortunate to have the life I was leading Then, iiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkk, CRASH, Pow!!! Over, done, kaput, fine!! And here I am 24yrs later and it’s like suffering a tragic loss! The loss being the life I had and the person I was before it was so RUDELY interrupted by a million and one god forsaken illnesses. The main jolt of a Quazillion volts of electricity, that being the Major Stroke that paralyzed me…Life, ya I was still alive but not living the life I knew. While I was a guinea pig for 31 days in UCLA & they were trying to figure out why someone so young & healthy (so we thought at the time) could have been stricken by a stroke, my mom had put up a few of my modeling pictures and places I had traveled to give me Inspiration! I’m telling you she was the only constant in my life from that point on! The Inspiration and Faith of my Godly mother! I’m ONLY alive today because of her! Well, and for the fact that I don’t think God is ready for me either. I keep telling myself there must be something I’m suppose to accomplish in this life still or He would have taken me the times I had flat-lined. So, God I’m asking you to please make it apparent to me what I should be doing with the time that you have me here. Maybe it’s just the mere fact that I’m a person whose been stricken with horrible situations AND illness in her life but is an example to others on how to stay happy, positive and carry on even when I don’t feel like it. I’m the person I am today because of ALL I have gone through. I may have disabilities, but my disabilities do not define the person I AM! I love people see me as their inspiration don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful to still be here and its very fulfilling to know just talking about a few of my “issues” is helpful to others. I’m just finding it rough because I miss that feeling of being Productive. Anyway, I do know
It’s very hard for those who don’t deal with the everyday issues of illness and pain to understand. Even more so for those who have no knowledge of my disability and just know me as the person I am on the outside very outgoing and positive and with the Drive I had Pre-illness. I have an aching desire, want and need to be that someone I felt I was going to be before my life Ended so abruptly even if only for a day.
After having my strokes I can’t do the things I once could and I’ve accepted that. I no longer have the memory I once did and ability to understand things. I’ve accepted that. I tried to go to college and work again but it didn’t pan out because I ended up in the hospital AGAIN and Again. I’ve accepted that also.
So I guess what my main goal for now is to Accept that it is what it is!!
Sorry for the ramblings, the venting, blah, blah, blah…but it’s kind of like therapy!
Through it all I’m still SMILING…All because of YOU!
(I ) Don’t worry about yesterday it’s gone. (I) Don’t fret over tomorrow it’s not here yet. (I) Just concentrate on NOW, live for TODAY, this MOMENT!
…<3 God …<3 Life …<3 Fashn …<3 Fun
